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Jun Fu Bets His Cow
From Tales of the Times — New Edition/ Stories from 3rd to 5th century, paraphrased
Jun Fu Bets His Cow
Wang Jun Fu had a prized cow named BaBaiLiBo. He or someone else regularly polished the animal’s horns and hooves until they shined.
One fateful day, Wang WuZi said to Wang JunFu, “You are a better archer than I am. Let’s have an archery contest. I will bet a million cash if you bet your cow.” Wang JunFu was confident in his archery, so he agreed. He Let WuZi shoot first.
Wuzi hit the bullseye on his first attempt. He retreated to his shaded Hu bed and ordered his servants to quickly barbecue the heart and serve it to him. When they brought it, he took one bite and left.
Music Before Execution
Ji Kang faced execution in East City, but he remained calm. He even requested a zither so that he could play a tune called GuangLingSan. When he finished his performance, he announced, “Yuan XiaoNi begged me to teach him that song, but I didn’t want to share it with anyone else. Today, this song will die with me.”
3000 students had sent an appeal to the capital urging clemency and requesting that Ji Kang serve as their teacher, but the execution went ahead as planned.
After Ji Kang died, the king expressed regret.
Ji Kang Forges Metal
Zhong ShiJi was one of the famous bright guys in his times. He had never met Ji Kang, so he rounded up a group of distinguished contemporaries and paid a group visit to the well-known eccentric wise man.
When the visitors arrived, Ji Kang was forging metal in the shade of a tree. He gestured to someone named Zi Qi to work the bellows. Ji Kang hammered away as if nobody were there, saying nothing to his visitors. I guess he was really in the mood for forging metal. After much too long, Zhong ShiJi finally rose to leave, and Ji Kang said, “What did you hear that brought you here, and what did you see that brings you to leave?”
Zhong said, “I heard what I heard and came. I saw what I saw and left.”
睡垀恓奧懂, 睡垀獗奧?
Drinking in the Bamboo Grove
Ji Kang and friends were getting drunk in the proverbial bamboo grove. Wang Rong arrived late, so Ruan Xiang said, “A vulgar commoner has come to spoil the atmosphere.” Wang Rong said, “What is there to spoil?”
Wang Pretends to Sleep
Wang was Wang XiZhi, a 4th century calligraphy master. I happened to photograph printed copies of his calligraphy at the Shanghai Museum, so those photos are attached.
It would be hard for us to fit into China in those times, and if a bunch of ancient Chinese notables were to appear in our world, we’d probably have to lock some of them up.
“Before the age of ten,” Wang often slept in the same tent with a general who really liked him.
One day, the general went out early. A while later, Wang was alone in the tent when Money Phoenix and his friends gathered outside the tent and started talking about a plot (that’s all it says). Wang woke up and heard them talking. He knew he would not live if they found out he was listening. He had to pretend to be fast asleep. To enhance his acting, he slobbered spit all over his face, the pillow and the blankets.
After a while, a conspirator named Wang Dun remembered that Wang XiZhi was in the tent. He told the others and said, “The only thing to do is kill him.” However, when they entered the tent and saw the smeared saliva, they concluded that the boy had heard nothing.
At the time, everyone said Wang was a clever boy.
Also in his childhood, Wang was a guest at the home of an official. The text says that the official cut off a piece of cow’s heart and gave it to Wang; after that, many people took a second look at the young Wang Xi Zhi. Hmmm…
When Wang was really old, he started saying a lot of negative stuff about two of his best friends, who had died before him. They had been his closest friends for years, but now he had nothing good to say about them. Somebody finally had to tell him to knock it off.
Xu Yun’s Ugly Wife
Xu Yun’s wife came from a very important family. These people were well-connected. Her father was Ruan Gong, her elder brother was Ruan De (wow!!!)
However, she was really ugly, so ugly that Xu Yun just could not bring himself to enter the honey chamber on his wedding night. It looks bad when a groom does not consummate the wedding, so the families were in a real tizzy.
A visitor came to see Xu Yun. His bride sent a servant girl to find out who the visitor was. The 瞉躓 came back and said, “It’s Huan Lang.”
“Oh, good, Huan Lang. Nothing to worry about now. 遘檔 will set my husband straight.”
Huan Lang said to the strange groom, “So, the mighty Ruan family married their ugly daughter off to you. They must have had reasons for doing so, as well as certain expectations. Don’t you think you should get a bit more involved in your own marriage?”
Xu Yun went to the honey chamber, but when he saw his bride, he turned to leave. She knew that if he left, he wouldn’t come back, so she grabbed his garment.
Xu Yun said, “A woman should have four virtues. Which virtues do you possess?”
She said, “I lack only beauty. A Learned Gentleman such as yourself is supposed to possess all virtues, and there are hundreds of them! How many do you possess?”
Xu said, “I have them all.”
She said, “Of all virtues, the most important is 肅 (respectfulness), but you value sex appeal over goodness. How can you say you possess all virtues?”
She really had him there: He wasn’t showing much 肅.
Xu Yun probably cringed in shame, and thereafter, they lived in mutual respect.
Gu Rong Shares His Meat
Gu Rong went to Luoyang, the capital. He was invited to a barbecue. One of the cooks was looking at the meat as if he really waned some of it, so Gu Yong stopped eating and gave his portion to the chef. Everyone laughed at Gu Rong, but he said, “How can somebody handle this meat all the time and never eat it?”
Later, Gu Rong was surrounded by the YongJia uprising, so he fled across the Yangzi River to the south. Every time he was in danger, a stranger came to his aid. Finally, Gu Rong asked the stranger what was going on.
The stranger was the cook from the barbecue.
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The Boys Who Stole Liquor
Kong WenJu had two sons, aged five and six. One afternoon while Kong was napping, the younger boy came into his room, found dad’s liquor and started drinking. The older son asked, “Why didn’t you do the liquor ritual before you started drinking?” The younger boy replied, “I’m stealing it. I can’t do a ritual for stolen liquor.”
More Boys Who Stole Liquor
One day the Zhong brothers noticed that their father was napping. They decided to sample his medicinal liquor. Their father woke up and listened. Zhong Yu did the proper ritual before drinking, but Zhong Hui just started drinking like a godless wino. After a while, their father got out of bed and asked Zhong Yu why he did a drinking ritual. The boy said, “Liquor is used only for ritual purposes, so I wouldn’t dare drink it without peforming the proper ritual first.” The father then asked Zhong Hui why he did not do the ritual, and the boy said, “It’s against the spirit of ritual to steal liquor, so I didn’t perform the ritual.”
Southern Man, Northern Ghost (early case of lactose intolerance)
A military officer named Lu Ruan paid a visit to a minister named Wang Duo, who lived in the north. Wang Duo served him nothing but cheese. That night he got very sick.
The next day he wrote a letter to Wang Duo. “I had a bit too much cheese and was deathly ill all night. I am a man of Wu (in the south), but I nearly became a northern ghost.”
Shield Leaf Soup from QianLi Lake
Lu Ji went to visit Wang Wuzi. Wang produced a large quantity of goat cheese and said, “Do you southerners have any delicacies that can compare to this?”
Lu Ji said, “Well, we have QianLI Lake shield leaf soup. That can compare to goat cheese, but we don’t smother it in salt and fermented beans.”
Gao Zuo Doesn’t Speak Chinese
The Daoist master Gao Zuo could not speak Chinese. Somebody asked why not, and the emperor, Jin WenDi, said, “To save himself the trouble of banquets and socializing.”
Hero in Chaos
When Cao Cao was a young man, he met with Qiao Xuan. Qiao Xuan said to him, “These are troubled times, aren’t they? The world is a mess, the great men of our times warring against each other. Who but you can restore order? You truly are a hero in times of chaos, a scoundrel in times of peace. The pity is, I’m old and will not live to see you achieve greatness. All I can do is to entrust my children to you. Please take care of them for me.”
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